Excerpt: A Dash of Disguise

A DASH OF DISGUISE

Prologue 

Dita hurried down the stairs into the courtyard after receiving the news that Dash was riding up the drive. She was an excited mix of anticipation and resentment and underneath the swirling emotions was terror. She had been on tether hooks waiting for some sign after the intimacies and the promises they shared. Something was wrong. She knew it. Not only by the fact that she hadn’t heard from him in over a month. She felt panic deep in her soul. 

She and Dash had an unspoken connection that defied explanations. They had forged a bond as lonely youths, spending hours together, filling in the empty spaces in their hearts. He hadn’t communicated with either her or Roddy since his father’s sudden death. 

She had wanted to attend the funeral but with no familial connection, she had remained at home. She and Roddy had argued and she would have defied her brother except for his valid insight that a scandal was not the way to go forward for her and Dash’s relationship.

He had to be hurting which made her hurt too. She wanted to be his comfort, the solace in his sadness. And no matter how badly a parent treated you, you still grieved. Grieved and blamed yourself that there had been no love. She understood the self-recrimination wrapped in the grief. 

She ran outside as he dismounted his horse. She halted and didn’t jump into his arms as she had planned. The set of his rigid jaw, stiff stance, and cool gaze kept her standing in place. The angry defiant boy was back but far more intimidating as an overpowering tense male. She didn’t say anything but pleaded with her eyes wanting warmth to shine from the icy cold orbs. 

“Perdita, if you would grant me a moment of your time? Can we walk in the garden?”

She wanted to shout and scream but a shred of self-preservation and dignity stopped her as she crumbled inside. 

“May I offer my condolences at your loss.”

Dash’s snort gave her a moment of hope until he raised his arm imperiously for her to go ahead of him, not touching her or embracing her. She straightened her spine and lifted her chin in defiance in the way her grandmere had described the French royalty had walked to the guillotine. She refused to beg or plead or allow him to see her defeated. She loved him but she’d learned from both her parents that it didn’t matter how much you loved someone when you couldn’t make them love you back. And a familiar feeling of being unlovable swamped her. 

They walked in silence down the gravel path leading to a private nook in the garden where they had played. It was their favorite place to hide from Totty, the nannies, and Alfie, the stablemaster. The sun hid behind the clouds making her chilled but it was the detached man who stared straight ahead, keeping at least three feet between them to avoid touching that froze her heart.

“Why are you acting like this?” She couldn’t stop herself. “Please, Dash, what is wrong? You can tell me anything.” Because I love you wasn’t said. 

“Nothing is wrong, Perdita. Our childhood days are finished. We always knew we couldn’t go on forever. Now that the old bastard is dead, I must assume my responsibilities and you must take your place in society.” He placed his foot on the stone bench, the place he had kissed her for the first time. With his back toward her, his arm resting on his bent knee, he assumed a careless attitude as if his words hadn’t just ripped her heart out of her chest and stomped on it. 

“But what of us? Your promises?” Your promise to love me forever, to make me your wife. The tender, adoring way that you touched me.

He was very good at hiding his feelings. His only reaction to her painful pleas was a slight flinch of his shoulders. The distance he put between them didn’t change their vital connection. How could he hurt her like this when he knew how she had suffered as a girl wanting to be loved? He never had been cruel before, only angry and uncommunicative. 

“I don’t understand why you can’t share what is going on. Talk to me. We can work this out together.”

“Perdita, grow up.” He shot around, his face contorted in anger, his voice clipped. “There is no us now. We were childhood friends, and it is time to put it behind us.” 

She knew he lied. She knew that he loved her despite this act. He was in pain and was striking out. She shouldn’t be surprised at his skill in hurting her. He had succeeded in wounding her as only someone who knew her well could.

“We were more than friends and I won’t let you forget our love and the passion. You made promises to me… to us.”

“Darling, if you were sophisticated you would know that men make all sorts of promises in moments of passion.” The grin on his sculpted face didn’t meet his eyes. 

The jaded, superior tone of his endearment combined with his accusation of her naivete breeched her vulnerability. His hurtful attack sliced through all her walls that she had erected to protect against her parents’ neglect. He didn’t love her. Why should he? Her parents hadn’t.

“Then we’re finished here.” And she ran from the garden. If she didn’t leave, she would sob and plead and make a complete fool of herself demonstrating how naïve and trusting she was.